befriend your demons.

When I was in highschool I wore a shirt that said “Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them.” I also wore a shirt that said “No matter what I think about boys, I think about boys.” I was also confused.

Now I’m in a committed long term relationship with one of those boys. [HIYA MIKE!!]

For a while I convinced myself this was a terrible idea and pretty much told everyone around me it would be a terrible thing for anyone to do.
Then I got sick of living in a little bubble and thus attempted to destroy the guards I’d put up in order to protect myself from the possibility of someone caring enough to really get to know me but then go running for the hills as soon as they did. But I forgot that I’d never been too keen on destruction.
In order to enjoy this wonderful committed long term relationship I am now in, I had to learn how to enjoy this wonderful committed long term relationship that I’m in with myself.
And make friends with these little guards I’d created so I could break the news to them gently:
‘You are not real.’

These little guys still rear their illegitimate heads from time to time, but they don’t cause much trouble anymore:

-A relationship will squash my independence. How can I do what I need to do in this world when I’m constantly trying to blend what I need to do with what another person needs to do?
[It’s possible and incredible when another person can show you things you wouldn’t have seen on your own and then you can blend the things that you can do with the things he can do and then blend that with the rest of the world and solve everything.]

– People in relationships are weak. Being in a relationship is basically saying I can’t do this on my own. [Saying I could probably do this better with your help makes you strong.]

-There’s no way I can commit to something long term. I change my mind more than my underwear.
[I can imagine few situations that would cause me to believe I’d be better off without Mike in my life. If something like that should come about, we’ll deal with it then.]

-Relationships are just a huge distraction from what I really need to accomplish with my life.
[What? No. The fact that I can be utterly open and honest with Mike makes it way easier to swiftly address and figure out what the heck is going on up in my brain space.]

Take home message: boys are super neat, especially Mike Shocklee [IMO]. And throwing rocks at people might just get you shot:

Floater Fatally Shot on Meramec River

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