Since I got back from California a couple years ago, I’ve been telling everyone [myself included] that I developed a vitamin b12 deficiency which resulted in a sort of nervous breakdown and so I had to come home. Which is true but only a part of a story. The truth is I went to California hit the ground sprinting and pushed myself until I broke about six months later and then continued to push for about 5 months afterwards. The b12 thing helped me put some space between myself and what had happened so I could start to make sense out of it. Now almost two years later, I feel that I can finally be honest about the situation and it feels fantastic.
We always hear these stories about people who just constantly move around in their 20s to distract themselves from themselves, run away from their demons and I decided to do the opposite of that and summoned EVERY ONE of my demons and had a staring contest in a tiny room with them to show that I WIN because I ALWAYS WIN. I wanted to set fire to my demons and warm myself on their burning. Rather than allow this life to naturally unfold I wanted to do this life thing better than everyone ever. That itself is my main demon. thisisnotacompetitionthisisnotacompetitionthisisnotacompetition. [Interesting that I’m now engaged to a man who wins nearly every game we play. Here ego I got you this medicine it’s bitter but so good for you. ]
Trying to change everything to make sure I never gave in to my humanly desires and maintained the most perfect habits, I learned literally more than I could handle in that short amount of time. I forgot I’m a human and thus allowed to follow humanly desires now and again. When my human side decided to rebel, I continued trying to stuff her in a closet for several months until she couldn’t take it anymore and hopped a plane back home.
I’ve known all along that I am never just victim of some outside circumstance. We have the final say in how any given situation affects us. These days I’m feeling progressively stronger and healthier, but don’t freak out [too much] if I slip back a few steps. Two steps forward one step back is a lovely dance. Even [especially] if you mix the steps up sometimes.
And maybe this is all just another story, but it seems I need to tell it in order to move on along with life and junk. Thanks for listening.
Take home message: You just can’t force these things. [I love you and all of your silly human habits.]